Not sure if you knew, but some cheap-looking infomercial has discovered the secret to making steady profits in the stock market, and they’re hosting sales seminars in your area this weekend! Major brokerages don’t even know about the system! And unlike every other financial reward in life, you don’t have to know anything about financial markets to get rich off this ambiguously “proven program”!

This is great news for people like me and you! What’s that saying again? “If it sounds too good to be true, then maybe I just got super lucky and stumbled into a fortune.” Yeah, that’s the one! *facepalm*