Dear Big Oil (Exxon Mobil, Chevron, you know who you are):

I’ve grown weary of seeing your good-will commercials where you now refer to yourselves as “energy companies.” Sorry fellas, but your record profits this year didn’t come from any alternative energy. It came from oil.

But that will soon change. As clever and courageous scientist develop cheaper, sustainable fuels that you don’t control, I’ll smile as you scramble to adapt and suddenly drop your prices. Competition can be such a drag, I know — especially after going uncontested for 100 years.

So… good luck with your rebranding efforts (snickers).

Love,

Smooth Harold