Blake Snow

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25 status updates you should never make on Facebook

ifacebookedyourmom.gifIf you’re a Facebook user, you know how fun status updates can be. The good ones give you specific insight into what your friends are doing, how they are feeling, and what they really think. The bad ones are vague, cryptic, menial (you just checked into some hotel — no one cares), and wouldn’t know wit if it punched them in the baby maker.

These, on the other hand, are much worse — 25 status updates you should never make on Facebook.

  1. … is taking a dump/urinating/throwing up
  2. … has contracted a venereal disease
  3. … suffers from a potentially fatal case of herpes
  4. … is breastfeeding
  5. … got poop on hands while changing diapers
  6. … is having second thoughts about getting married yesterday
  7. … just got in a massive fight with my spouse
  8. … is getting a divorce
  9. … doesn’t have any real Friends on Facebook
  10. … just robbed a bank [or any other illegal activity]
  11. … hates his/her boss [who happens to be a friend on Facebook]
  12. … joined the Klu Klux Klan (see also: Buck Burnette)
  13. … thinks punching people in the face is a good way to vent
  14. … cannot be trusted
  15. … is shallow
  16. … is lousy in bed
  17. … deeply regrets driving drunk
  18. … is manscaping
  19. … is picking his/her nose
  20. … admits to hearing voices
  21. … thinks W. wasn’t so bad
  22. … just passed a kidney stone
  23. … is standing right behind you
  24. … is hiding under your bed
  25. … has concluded that life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering, and is throwing in the towel

What am I missing?