Hey, Internet. I found the secret to life. It comes in five parts. Here it is:
- Life is long. You have plenty of time to reach your goals in life. Before you know it, you’ll be wishing you spent more time in isolation, indulging in TV, work, internet, all manner of media. Seriously, life is so long, you’ll want to let a single thing define you for as long as possible, since you can discover something else later in life when your mind and body are still in tip-top shape. The added bonus of this life fact is that you can blow off friendships and family in your middle years. After all, they’ll be waiting for you when you’re old. So take advantage. Prioritize for the short term. And please, enjoy the destination more than the journey. You’ll thank me.
- It’s okay to do something you don’t like, even for a few years. You know those hippies that advocate for doing what you love? They need to get real. It’s not like people do better work undertaking careers they actually enjoy. It’s okay to be miserable for a third of your day then relax and sleep the rest of it. And working to death works. Furthermore, it’s not as if the world actually rewards anyone for superior work. In other words, you have to put your time in, as wise men often say. Don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. Remember, life is long.
- Treat your body like it will last forever. You know the feeling of invincibly from your youth? Let that be your health guide until you die. Trust me, this works. You can put whatever and however much you want into your body and participate in as little physical activity as you want. After all, rock star celebrities and many of your ancestors have been doing this for centuries. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right? And it’s not like any of these people have failing bodies? And even if some do, remember: you’re different. You really are the exception. Never forget that.
- Worry about things beyond your control. The great thing about this secret is it can make you feel in control, even when you’re not. In other words, faith is sooooooo overrated. So don’t have any, I say. Live in fear. Plan for the worst. And more than anything, look to untrusting, hopeless, insecure, rudderless, and pessimistic people as mentors of happiness. They go places!
- Make your happiness contingent on people and things. Here it is, Internet: the no. 1 secret to life! Instead of being happy in spite of difficult circumstances or an incomplete bucket list— a fool’s errand if you ask me—resolve to be happy “if” and only “when” you attain or do x, y, or z. Even better, make your happiness entirely dependent on someone else. It’s the best way I know how to be happy, and it’s not short-lived like being happy in spite of your life or taking responsibility for your own happiness. Whoever said happiness is a state of mind is full of BA-LONE-EY (without the “g” even).
- BONUS: Whatever you do, DON’T listent to these people! They’re all rotten liars.
Inspired by five life secrets from old people