After 36 years of excruciating mystery, humanity finally knows how many people prematurely bite into Tootsie Pops, and how many licks it takes to reach the center. New research conducted by yours truly and NYU has the answers.
Using a giant ball of candy and a scientific model of how fluids—in this case saliva—dissolve materials, the latter discovered it takes about 1,000 licks to reach the center of a Tootsie Pop. “Resisting the temptation to just bite into one is tough,” the obvious science found.
As for premature biting syndrome, America is largely split: 42.3% answered “Yes—I can’t help myself,” when asked in a Google Consumer Survey if they bite early; 40.7% answered “no—I take my time;” and 17.1% were uncultured heathens that responded with “I’m unfamiliar with Tootsie Pops.”
With a sample size of 750 respondants, the poll did not, however, determine if any one human has ever succeeded in beating the 1,000 lick requirement. “We started to test it, and it’s hard,” conceded one incompetent NYU researcher.
Upon hearing the news, world markets rallied, confectioners rejoiced, and Willy Wonka sung a disturbingly long song about tripping balls and selling sweets to a bunch of suckers.