Since quitting Facebook in May, I periodically visit My Life Is Average for a good chuckle. Here are some of my favorite recent stories:

• Today, my brownie got detained in airport security. MLIA.
• Today, I discovered you can reuse calendars every eleven years. Guess who is using their 1999 calendar this year? MLIA.
• Today, I pushed a door that said pull. It opened. MLIA
• About a week ago, I went to the optometrist. While the doctor was looking at my eye, he told me to “open wide.” He was talking about my eye, but I automatically opened my mouth as wide as I could. MLIA.
• Today, I decided to make a grilled cheese sandwich in the toaster. Tomorrow, I’m getting a new toaster. MLIA
• Today I found a book called “How to Read a Book.” MLIA
• Today I was walking across the park and there were a bunch of teenagers. First kid smoking. Second kid smoking. Third kid smoking. Fourth kid was eating a apple. I think we know who the biggest rebel is. MLIA
• Tomorrow, my school has a spirit day. The theme is “Gender-Bender,” where boys wear girls clothes and vice versa. My father, knowing nothing of this, comes downstairs to find me in a jean miniskirt, gray tank top, black leggings, trying to put my hair in a suitable girly fashion. We stare at each other awkwardly, and without saying a word, he turns and walks back upstairs, shaking his head. MLIA.
• Today, I read last year 4,153,237 ppl got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? MLIA
• Today, my shoe laces came untied. I tied them back up and carried on. MLIA
• Four years ago, when i was 18, i noticed at night that my front window is very reflective, so i was pretending to dive in slow motion and shoot, dual pistol style. Suddenly a really hot girl walked past and i was startled and fell over. Embarrassed i waited for a bit and then stood up. As i stoop up i saw her slowly shooting an imaginary rifle from behind a car. We then proceeded to do this for 10 minutes until she did an extremely dramatic death. She wasn’t getting up so i went outside to meet her. Once i got to where she was, there was nothing but a piece of paper with a mobile number on it. Today, we are getting married. MLIA

MLIA.